When to Tell your date you’re the chupacabra

 Jenna Lasby

  • Probably not on the first date, but then again, is that disingenuous and misleading?

  • (Also, what about talking about political views on your first date? Would she be more upset if you were a chupacabra or a socialist?)

  • The chupacabra thing seems like a third date subject, but is it a bad idea to progress before you know how she feels about it?

  • Does telling her count as oversharing?

  • What if she likes that you’re a chupacabra? Likes it too much? Like it’s some kind of kink? And she tries to make you transform all the time? That might be even worse than her not being into you.

  • You can initiate her by asking if she’s familiar with those young adult paranormal romances from the early 2000’s, see if she liked them or read them at all. Then again, all the love interests in those were suave creatures like angels or handsome vampires, so the comparison won’t fly.

  • Maybe you tell her when she compliments your blue-green eyes. Unreal, she says, I’ve never seen eyes like that before. You’ve always thought your eyes were more like a polluted, algae-cloaked lake, but you don’t say that because self-deprecation never looks good on anyone.

  • Maybe after you go on your second date with her at a petting zoo, a setting you suggested to pre-empt any worries she may have about you exsanguinating cute baby goats. You don’t eat live goats anymore. When goats bleat, they sound like baritone human men. You wouldn’t eat anything that screams so humanely. You only eat the goat meat you purchase from markets. 

  • You will have to hope she does not like goats too much.

  • Maybe after she undresses you and finds the scar on your thigh from when you used to hunt livestock and a farmer shot you.

  • Maybe when you’re married, and she’s been finding holes ripped down the spine of your shirts and muddy prints on the floor.

  • Maybe there is no good time to tell her and you blurt it out while she’s halfway through a bite of sandwich or about to leave for work.

  • She will think you’re crazy until she sees the evidence, then she’ll think she’s crazy.

  • She’ll Google chupacabras but probably read only the .com pages so she’ll get misinformation. (Do you warrant a .org, though? A .gov?)

  • She may protest that chupacabras have actually been debunked, that biologists have confirmed that the sightings were mangy coyotes or monitor lizards, in which case you will suspect that she has never had her existence questioned, to feel that she has to explain your existence to you. Then she’ll ask if you have mange. You clearly don’t. Your hair is all intact. You shampoo and clarify regularly.

  • What is the best outcome you can ask for?

  • You don’t know how to picture that yet.
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